Getting Unstuck

“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.” 

-Mahatma Gandhi

Stuck: a place that I never wanted to be. I have felt stuck for a while now. I woke up numerous times and thought that there must be something more than this, something that I am missing. Change is a difficult process, one that I use to revel in and one that I have seemed to dread more and more as I have grown older. Maybe I am stuck because of my refusal to change or my unwillingness to embrace the changes that would benefit me. I believe that my energy would be much higher if I didn’t waste so much of it fighting inevitable change. If today was my last day I am not sure exactly what regrets I would have. I am sure there would be plenty of things that I wish I had said, done, or tried. So I am going to unstick myself- work on just being and living a regret free life.

Buddha outlined seven steps for mindful and conscious living. I am going to base my journey on these.

1.     Feel your longing, notice where you are stuck

2.     Show up

3.     Pay attention

4.     Live in reality, listen to your truths

5.     Connect with others, connect with life

6.     Move from thought to action

7.     Let go

So here goes nothing- welcome to my journey. I hope that I laugh my way through this, just like I do with so many other aspects of life.

A date with myself

All day date with myself and for myself. Class to learn about baby crap. Fresh pedicure to replace the mint toes. A giant salad at the new secret spot. An iced coffee while hanging out at work improving my complexion. Purple haze, purple sandpaper (150 grit), and a new bookshelf to improve and replace the old one. Grilling in between the coats of paint to finish off the night before catching up on some reading.

About one month of work until the summer vacation extravaganza starts!

One hour, one step.

I find it strange how one single hour can seem to hang over us, lurking around every corner just waiting to jump out and ruin your very good last day before vacation. Sometimes admitting that you need help is the hardest part of making a change. I seem to have lost myself a while back and I am on a mission to find me. Today that hour hit me like a ton of bricks. As I sat there wondering why at 30 years old I could feel so lost I could feel her eyes burning a hole in me and her hand writing furiously. Notes on my body language and the way I became so closed off and shut down at the mention of something so small. Maybe it was my suspicious brain playing tricks on me. As the hour drew to a close I wondered about what judgments she had made about me. What did she think she knew about me that I don’t already know?

The second hour seemed to go a bit more smoothly. As I stared at the clock with a bad case of verbal diarrhea I felt lighter with each word and sentence I put together. As much as I wish I could write all about what I learned about myself during those hours I am not fully ready to share the details. I take notes and keep them with me to help remind myself that I am capable of getting through this. I am not a light switch. I cannot turn off my emotions or dim my hurt simply because I don’t feel like dealing with it. I can hear her voice echoing in my weak moments, “you are not broken, you were knocked off your path and the first step is always forward.”

Sometimes when you get knocked off your path you land in a ditch. You can’t always see out of the ditch but when you look up you can see a ray of light sneaking through the trees. The backlight blocks the face of the outstretched arm and you can’t make out who it is but it all seems to make sense- you are not alone. One step forward. One foot at a time.

Breathe, just fucking breathe.  

(k)EASTER blessings

I love this time of year. It is warm during the days and chilly at night, trees and flowers bloom, baseball starts, and each day that passes is one day closer to summer vacation. I love Easter with the family. It is a time to play fetch with the dog, plant flowers in the yard, enjoy the last of the silent walks on the beach, and catch up on the months since Christmas. Two years ago we all got together at my mom's place in Jersey and did the exact same things. It seems crazy that it was two years ago. About 720 days have passed since that weekend and we have all grown and changed in different ways. Brooke is planting flowers and playing fetch with Loki at the same time- neither of which she could do two years ago.

So I'm off to enjoy the laughs, grilled foods, and smells of the ocean for the weekend without any distractions. See you all on the other side of the holiday.

This weekend

So excited to see my munchkin!

Wings and things

 

Some things just make me happy. Honey Caribbean wings from Union Jack's is one of them. I use to spend my week looking forward to football being over on Friday because I knew that the wings would be there- waiting to be eaten. Union Jack's was the second place that I went out to when I moved to the city. I was invited by the coaches from the high school I worked at and figured why not at least go to avoid spending Friday night alone in North Philadelphia. What I hadn't anticipated when I went was the great comfort that it would bring. I wouldn't be the same person if I hadn't gone. I made my first friends there that night. I never felt the need to censor what I wanted to say when I was with them. I would spend the next two Thanksgivings with them- and free breakfast. All in all deciding to go out for post game wings that night was one of the best decisions that I have made in Philadelphia. 

Since then I have dragged many people into Union Jack's to share with them my very favorite wings in the city. Last night was no different. I dragged an unsuspecting pal into the hole in the wall to show them that the sign outside "World's Best Wings" was right. I don't know if he agreed or not, but they were exactly what I needed. After we paid our check I made a joke to the bartender about how I should have stolen the Banana Bread beer glass the last time I was there. To my complete surprise they still had it on tap. It was ahhhhh..... heaven. We split the beer and headed out. 

Thanks for the laughs, the stories of your European travels, listening to me ramble, and reassuring me that we all heal in different ways. I'm glad I met you last year and thanks for being just plain awesome!

 I love Union Jack's, Well's Banana Bread Beer, Honey Caribbean Chicken Wings, and familiar places that are cash only.