Flouring away the frustration

A frustrating day can lead to a frustrating night. I am an eater, a closet junk food junkie, I eat when I am upset, lonely, excited, or to be social. I bake to clear my head. Some people go to the gym to clear their heads, I would rather head to the kitchen. The kitchen in my apartment is small- like a closet with a bunch of appliances stuffed in it. The counter space is very limited and mostly is taken up by the dish rack; I am unable to extend my arms in the kitchen, not even one of them. I love the kitchen just the same.

I love cheesecake. Up until finals week of the fall semester I was afraid to try and make one in fear of failing at it. I tried it as a method of procrastination and what a wonderful surprise it was when it came out of the over with only one small crack. I was hooked- except that I always forgot to buy the cream cheese to make it. This year’s holiday surprise was combining two beloved things: cheesecake and pumpkin. I tried many pumpkin cheesecakes while out at restaurants and found them all to be very disappointing. When you can’t buy one you just have to make it. Enter the pumpkin swirl mini cheesecakes! You can freeze these suckers for up to a month which means I can make the single serving cheesecakes ahead of time and eat them as I see fit. The trick to getting the pumpkin swirl to float is in the 3 tablespoons (or a palm full) of four. Amazing little portable treats.

The flour is an old trick that I was taught by my mother to keep the blueberries from sinking in the muffins. Coat them in some flour and fold them in gently. Don’t forget to top the muffins with some crystalized sugar. Maybe the trick to floating through life without sinking is to coat yourself with flour.

Gram knows best

Sometimes there is nothing better than a phone call to a grandparent to set you straight. As we caught up on all things cardiovascular and the goings on of her medical stuff I was whipping up a pumpkin pie. This is the same pie that I brought to the family meal for years. It dawned on me that there is nothing better than the neurosis that comes with a good family get together. This year (like last year) I will miss Thanksgiving and Christmas. The thought of the holidays without my small, but well warn in, family got me to thinking about what it is that drives me to stay in Philly and be so far away.

We talked of priorities and what has helped get her through both the smooth and rough patches in life. Sometimes the walk into the other room to calm down and collect your thoughts is worth the steps even if you have difficulty picking up your feet to walk. She followed it up with a quick "I'm not going anywhere until I have seen you walk down the aisle and have a baby". I laughed and told her not to hold her breath and heard the same thing she has said many times- "Well, I'm not going to live forever so you shouldn't wait too long."

A few years ago she told me to find a husband or Jesus. She then gave me a gold ring with a cross on it and told me I would be more likely to find Jesus. Sometimes your elders just know best.

Thank you for the laughs and advice Harriet. I know you hate the internet and refuse to use a computer, but I love you just the same. XOXO

Hot soup warms a cold heart

It is getting chilly outside and dark earlier. This soup lifts my spirits and smells great while cooking. I've tried it in the crockpot and found that it cooks almost as well.

Kale and White Bean Soup (adapted to taste better)

2 tablespoon coconut oil (or substitute)
1/2 onion chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced/pressed
1 jalapeno diced
1 cup chopped carrots
1 chopped celery stalk
2 tablespoons tomato paste
6 cups water
2 tablespoons white miso paste
1 teaspoon cumin
1/2 teaspoon sea salt
4 cups chopped kale, spines removed
1 can white beans, drained and rinsed
1 palm full of ground black pepper

Heat the oil in a stockpot over medium heat. Add and sweat the onion and jalapenos. Add the garlic, carrots, celery, and tomato paste. Saute until everything is combined well. Add the water, miso paste, cumin, and salt and bring to a boil. Lower the heat and simmer for 30 minutes. Add the kale and white beans and simmer for another half hour.

Makes 6 servings at approximately 160 calories per serving.

I sometimes add a boneless, skinless, and well trimmed chicken breast (or 2) to increase the protein.

Hot tub time machine (not the movie)

A wise, old, white haired man once say that a good friend is like wine- they get better with time?

I have a problem with this saying if that is the case. I have this one friend, I don't think we could keep a bottle of wine corked long enough to ever find this out (Ahem, Jeri).

Every time that I see this specific bottle of Bully Hill Vineyards wine I am taken back to a really frigid night in Maine, a hot tub, and the feeling of laughing so hard that your face aches the next morning (not as bad as my head did). We were young, dumb, and clearly had not yet learned how incredibly intoxicated a drink in the hot tub will make you, let alone a few bottles of wine.

That night we sat there laughing and dreaming as friends. We joked about secrets so dark and deep (insert embarrassing here), dead baby jokes and a trip down to NYC to interview at MTV. We were friends and friends share everything and stick together. Years and miles have since come between us. This year I am looking forward to going home at Christmas and having a mini reunion- hopefully not over the 6 bottles of cheap champagne that were the start to any good Friday night in those days- and finding a way to apologize for the time that has lapsed and any feelings of resentment that may have gotten between us over the years. I laughed so hard at a series of emails a week ago between all of us that I almost peed my pants. I can't wait to laugh so hard that I cry and see my old friends do the same.

To keep a friendship requires work, I don't know how i would work a bottle of wine except to open it and chug it.

Something to Occupy

I am far from a republican, but sometimes a different view point can give you that new perspective.

I was watching the news the other night and they flashed to a clip of Newt Gingrich. I always thought that he was a pompous ass who utilized his power and position inappropriately. Having spent the last week hearing nothing about child sex scandals and cover ups the Occupy Movement seemed to have taken a back seat. Yesterday a $50 million renovation to city hall was scheduled to start. The project had to be delayed because the occupiers refused to move off of City Hall plaza. Those construction workers didn't get paid (their families mouths were not fed). I have since been wondering why they didn't fence in the plaza and then arrest all of those within the fence for trespassing... problem solved. Newt was right, these people who are so busy living in tents and eating free food should thank the 1% that they are protesting- for they are the ones who donated the park lands that they occupy, donate to the food banks, and pay the taxes that are used to remove trash and provide added security to the exact areas that they are occupying. It may be a more beneficial use of their time to occupy a job instead.

Another C Word

Controlling everything is like trying to nail Jello to the wall- an absolutely impossible task and a total waste of time.

I am a control freak. I like things done my way, exactly how I want them, and I want them done on my terms and at my convenience. Maybe I am just a true Virgo, maybe I am just completely insane. It might be best if I quit my job and start a company, any company, so that I can spend my days micromanaging everything around me.

Lately it feels as though I have lost complete control. It is strange how two months ago I thought that I had everything I wanted and had worked for, now I feel as though I was somehow duped and got stuck in this mess. Two months ago I was fresh off turning thirty. One day shy of two months ago I learned that maybe I wasn't so great. I was so hung over sitting in the doctor's office that it was all I could do not to throw up on my own feet. As she broke the first round of news to me I became so queasy that I warned her I just may lose it in the trash can. She offered her hand to hold as she calmly told me the next blow... my cells were out of control. Shit, everything seemed so out of control. It was as if the Tilt-A-Whirl wouldn't stop tilting or whirling and being that I am not afraid of heights I considered jumping off just to escape.

Fast forward 60 days:
I have no control over anything. It has been slow going coming to terms with it. What I am learning (even though I am fighting the acceptance) is that even I have to pick and choose my battles. Maybe if I can learn to accept that I can not control every aspect of life I can learn to enjoy the stress free life of not having to always boss shit.

I can however control what I put in my mouth unless it is Pepsi or coffee, that was an epic failure that I don't even mind failing at. That Pepsi tasted so delicious yesterday.

The C Word

Tomorrow I will find out that I don't have cancer (a girl can dream- positive thinking here). My brain says one thing while my body and heart say another. I have spent the last few months nervous to find out what the biopsy would reveal and how I would handle it. I have kept it a secret from everyone but a select few people who I knew would make me laugh in an attempt to avoid the pity that might be directed toward me.

All of this has left me a little lost. I did what I do best initially which was to push away those close to me and make jokes instead of being afraid. I drank, to clear my head and to just forget. When that didn't work I took up perfecting my squating technique. That didn't work too well either so I went back to making jokes. I know that regardless of how tomorrow goes something needs to change. I need to change. At the urging of my boyfriend I am going to do a cleanse (the new C word in my vocab). I bought the Vita-mix and the book, talked about it for months yet failed to go through with it.

Today started my pre-cleanse. I cut out Pepsi, anyone who knows me knows that is the hardest thing I could do. There is nothing more in the world that I want right now than an ice cold can of Pepsi. There is nothing more enjoyable than that first sip of fizzy delicious. Tomorrow will be the first day without coffee in as long as I can remember. I am already anticipating the headache with a slight sense of sadistic joy. I'm sticking to this regardless of what I find out tomorrow.

My alarm is set for 5:45 AM. I will make it to my first early morning Lithe Method workout in the morning if it kills me. I am completely out of shape and have lost all stamina, but there is no better way for me than to just jump in and plan for not being able to walk correctly for days. I can't wait for Kim to kick my rear end back up my thighs to where it belongs so early in the day. I can't think of a better way to prepare for that dreaded 10 AM appointment.

If you see some girl twitching and with the shakes outside of a coffee shop it is just me, don't feel bad for me. I am leaving my wallet at home so I can't buy a coffee.