A lesson in human kindness

"when you forgive, you in no way change the past- but you sure do change the future." - Bernard Meltzer

Forgiving someone else is easy, or at least it always has been for me. What I've been working on is forgiving myself and learning to love myself. I can not go back in time and change my actions or my words. It is human to make mistakes, recognizing our mistakes and accepting our responsibility in those mistakes is what is important. We all deserve forgiveness but the only forgiveness that matters is forgiving yourself. You are stuck repeating the same self destructive and hurtful patterns until you can love yourself enough to forgive yourself.

I am an onion (not saying I smell bad here). I'm peeling off the layers of crap that have accumulated over the years. Some of these layers you can peel away on your own, others you are only able to peel away through connections with other people. I've found myself connecting with a wide variety of people with my only intention being to learn something about myself through the interaction. I've made new friends, both male and female, who have very different perspectives on life and I have enjoyed learning how and why they have those very outlooks. It is easy to sit back and judge someone from the outside- but we don't learn anything from that. Appearances aren't everything, let alone anything at all sometimes. It is the reflection of yourself that you see in that person that counts. So I pulled off a few layers last night and I am thankful for the chance to do so (not calling you crap here, just the hurt from everything was crap).

So here it is- I dare you to love yourself. Not the superficial faux self-esteem kind of love. The kind of love where you know that you are worth anybody and everybody's affection but you are completely content being your own best friend. I know that I'm still working on it...

Stepping into it

Honesty with myself is something that I have been working on. I spent years dodging my inner truths for fear of what I might find in there. The thing is I have actually really enjoyed getting to know myself at 30. This year may just go on record as my personal worst, which says quite a bit if it surpasses 19 and 20. What has stood out most to me in the past few months is how badly I had lost myself. I flipped through old photos and struggled to recognize myself in some of them.

I have learned that it is okay to not worry about perfection: I don't need the perfect body, the perfect hair, the perfect outfit, the perfectly clean house, or the perfect life in the suburbs with the perfect husband and 2.3 kids. I have realized that I would rather be perfectly happy with what I do have than strive to meet someone else's ideal perfect. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and realized that my eyes were bright green and sparkling. It's been a long time since that had stood out to me more than my crooked nose and braced teeth (which I absolutely love). It had been a long time since someone had told me I was pretty and I believed them- so hearing it Saturday night and believing it was a very strange feeling for me.

A few months back something happened that rocked me to my core. It caused me to live in fear- fear of crossing paths, hearing a familiar voice, walking to my car alone scared me. I started avoiding all familiar places to avoid any possible chance of anything happening. When our paths did cross those few times I was struck by fear and panic; often having to run to the bathroom to throw up and try to catch my breath. A few weeks ago I decided that I would no longer live with this fear. I can not and will not live like that. I promised a friend that I would attend his birthday celebration only to find out that it is at the one place I despise in the city (who wants to drink with cockroaches on the bar). After spending the last week contemplating if I should go or not I have decided that it is finally time to face my fear of crossing paths. So tonight I will step outside of my safe zone to celebrate with friends and wake up tomorrow knowing that I am not paralyzed by fear.

Facing my fears and imperfections has helped me to be more honest with myself. Imperfection schimperfection!

When the laughter comes back

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
-Joan Lunden

Mmmm. Late night date night.

New secret spots and fond memories.