Stepping into it

Honesty with myself is something that I have been working on. I spent years dodging my inner truths for fear of what I might find in there. The thing is I have actually really enjoyed getting to know myself at 30. This year may just go on record as my personal worst, which says quite a bit if it surpasses 19 and 20. What has stood out most to me in the past few months is how badly I had lost myself. I flipped through old photos and struggled to recognize myself in some of them.

I have learned that it is okay to not worry about perfection: I don't need the perfect body, the perfect hair, the perfect outfit, the perfectly clean house, or the perfect life in the suburbs with the perfect husband and 2.3 kids. I have realized that I would rather be perfectly happy with what I do have than strive to meet someone else's ideal perfect. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and realized that my eyes were bright green and sparkling. It's been a long time since that had stood out to me more than my crooked nose and braced teeth (which I absolutely love). It had been a long time since someone had told me I was pretty and I believed them- so hearing it Saturday night and believing it was a very strange feeling for me.

A few months back something happened that rocked me to my core. It caused me to live in fear- fear of crossing paths, hearing a familiar voice, walking to my car alone scared me. I started avoiding all familiar places to avoid any possible chance of anything happening. When our paths did cross those few times I was struck by fear and panic; often having to run to the bathroom to throw up and try to catch my breath. A few weeks ago I decided that I would no longer live with this fear. I can not and will not live like that. I promised a friend that I would attend his birthday celebration only to find out that it is at the one place I despise in the city (who wants to drink with cockroaches on the bar). After spending the last week contemplating if I should go or not I have decided that it is finally time to face my fear of crossing paths. So tonight I will step outside of my safe zone to celebrate with friends and wake up tomorrow knowing that I am not paralyzed by fear.

Facing my fears and imperfections has helped me to be more honest with myself. Imperfection schimperfection!