A lesson in human kindness

"when you forgive, you in no way change the past- but you sure do change the future." - Bernard Meltzer

Forgiving someone else is easy, or at least it always has been for me. What I've been working on is forgiving myself and learning to love myself. I can not go back in time and change my actions or my words. It is human to make mistakes, recognizing our mistakes and accepting our responsibility in those mistakes is what is important. We all deserve forgiveness but the only forgiveness that matters is forgiving yourself. You are stuck repeating the same self destructive and hurtful patterns until you can love yourself enough to forgive yourself.

I am an onion (not saying I smell bad here). I'm peeling off the layers of crap that have accumulated over the years. Some of these layers you can peel away on your own, others you are only able to peel away through connections with other people. I've found myself connecting with a wide variety of people with my only intention being to learn something about myself through the interaction. I've made new friends, both male and female, who have very different perspectives on life and I have enjoyed learning how and why they have those very outlooks. It is easy to sit back and judge someone from the outside- but we don't learn anything from that. Appearances aren't everything, let alone anything at all sometimes. It is the reflection of yourself that you see in that person that counts. So I pulled off a few layers last night and I am thankful for the chance to do so (not calling you crap here, just the hurt from everything was crap).

So here it is- I dare you to love yourself. Not the superficial faux self-esteem kind of love. The kind of love where you know that you are worth anybody and everybody's affection but you are completely content being your own best friend. I know that I'm still working on it...

Stepping into it

Honesty with myself is something that I have been working on. I spent years dodging my inner truths for fear of what I might find in there. The thing is I have actually really enjoyed getting to know myself at 30. This year may just go on record as my personal worst, which says quite a bit if it surpasses 19 and 20. What has stood out most to me in the past few months is how badly I had lost myself. I flipped through old photos and struggled to recognize myself in some of them.

I have learned that it is okay to not worry about perfection: I don't need the perfect body, the perfect hair, the perfect outfit, the perfectly clean house, or the perfect life in the suburbs with the perfect husband and 2.3 kids. I have realized that I would rather be perfectly happy with what I do have than strive to meet someone else's ideal perfect. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and realized that my eyes were bright green and sparkling. It's been a long time since that had stood out to me more than my crooked nose and braced teeth (which I absolutely love). It had been a long time since someone had told me I was pretty and I believed them- so hearing it Saturday night and believing it was a very strange feeling for me.

A few months back something happened that rocked me to my core. It caused me to live in fear- fear of crossing paths, hearing a familiar voice, walking to my car alone scared me. I started avoiding all familiar places to avoid any possible chance of anything happening. When our paths did cross those few times I was struck by fear and panic; often having to run to the bathroom to throw up and try to catch my breath. A few weeks ago I decided that I would no longer live with this fear. I can not and will not live like that. I promised a friend that I would attend his birthday celebration only to find out that it is at the one place I despise in the city (who wants to drink with cockroaches on the bar). After spending the last week contemplating if I should go or not I have decided that it is finally time to face my fear of crossing paths. So tonight I will step outside of my safe zone to celebrate with friends and wake up tomorrow knowing that I am not paralyzed by fear.

Facing my fears and imperfections has helped me to be more honest with myself. Imperfection schimperfection!

When the laughter comes back

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
-Joan Lunden

Mmmm. Late night date night.

New secret spots and fond memories.

Boom.... Truth

I'll combine a few priceless quotes:

"I hope you have cancer and die so I get some closure you dumb fucking cunt."

Step Four: Live in Reality, Listen to Your Truths

"We sit in the mud... and reach for the stars"

-Ivan Turgenev

Summer growing up was always about skinned up knees, popsicle stains on your t-shirt, dirt under your fingernails, sand and sunscreen crusted in your hair, and getting to stay out extra late for a few extra games of kick the can. My summer vacation starts today and I would love nothing more than for these memories to make their way back into my every day. So this summer instead of working all of my days and nights away I am going to do just that- play. I am going to find that free spirited kid that has been hiding and waiting for the dark times to subside. I am going to live in reality and embrace my willingness to be unsure, uncomfortable, and unknowing so that the road to freedom opens.

Einstein said something about life and bicycles and keeping moving- well I will get moving as soon as my new bike gets here. He also said something about relativity.

So if the theory of relativity states that all motion can be measured only in relation to the observer who performs the measurement. Time and position are all relative to the observer: hence the name of Einstein’s relativity. So maybe what he actually meant is that we all have slightly different realities and it might just stem from our individual perspectives. It’s like that high school art class where the teacher puts some object in the middle of the room and you all sit around in a circle and draw it from your relative location. We each saw something slightly different. So if you want to change your reality maybe you just need to get up and slide down a few spots to get a completely different view. In my case that is getting out and seeing things that I have always passed by from a different angle. A park, an overpass, a winding trail in the woods, a crowded block- all things that were so ordinary because I didn’t stop to take their remarkable moments. So I pondered the idea of a road trip to get out of the city and see something new but have instead decided that I will probably stay right here and search out my own backyard adventures. If small town Maine could offer what seemed like endless adventures as a child I am sure that I can find the same kind of thrills right here in grown up Philadelphia. I am looking forward to bug bites, heat rashes, and the way the lights reflect off the Schuylkill at night. Bring on that wooder ice Philly.

Telling the truth and reality go hand in hand. In order to be present we have to accept our truths and notice where we are dishonest. Not only the dishonesty with others but the dishonesty with ourselves. We deceive ourselves and ignore what we are feeling and thinking. Deception is a bad habit that I have partaken in for as long as I can remember- I tell people I am fine when I am not, I say I don’t need help when I do, I occasionally dodge questions that I don’t want to answer.

It was a running joke with two close friends back home for years about what percentage of things I was sharing with them. Notorious for my partial secret life! Maybe it was because I thought that they would disapprove of the strange or self-destructive things I was doing. Maybe it was because it just seemed to keep things a little more interesting. Secretly dating someone for 5 months is something that I would now consider a very odd behavior…. (So ladies I owe you a rock or two)

Not being truthful shows fear and a lack of inner awareness (both of which I know all about). My solution to this is to work on speaking honestly without gauging how others will react. I will do this for selfish reasons and to improve my relationships with others. I want to be fully present with those around me and for this to happen I have to share who I am without exaggerating or diminishing anything. I have to admit who I am and what I want without fear- truthfulness dispels fear and makes room for love.

Just the other day I was unable to be fully present and open and I regretted it later. After spending time with someone they asked if I wanted to hang out again. I said, “Yes, I would like to hang again.” What I should have said (the whole truth) was “I had a great time getting to know you. I want to know more. I’m eager to hear what you think about things and what makes you tick.” Oh and, “The sooner, the better!”

The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God*

Step Three: Pay Attention (Part Two)

The Dalai Lama observed that people in the Unites States, the land of power and “stuff”, are the unhappiest people in the world.

I use to have a lot of sentimental stuff. It seemingly found its way to the dump (although I would give almost anything to have a couple of those things back) and I haven’t really missed it. I know that down the road I will wish that I had some of those things- family photos, my great grandmother’s plates, some of the baseball cards that I cherished as a child- primarily those things that can’t be replaced. The crazy part for me is that I don’t need those items to be happy or complete. I have the memories attached to those items locked safely away in my brain and that can’t be destroyed, barring some crazy accident. Now that that clutter has been destroyed for me I have more space to focus on what is important- today.

I have also cleared out the clutter that involves people and commitments that I am not interested in. They aren’t really worth writing about but it was quite freeing.

The thing about clutter for me is that I was always afraid that if I got rid of something that it would mean that I was getting rid of the memory or association that I had attached to that item. I was given many things and always lugged them around out of respect or love for the person who gave it to me. I always kept old cards so that if something were ever to happen to the person who sent it I would have that one last memory of them, even if it were only what their handwriting looked like. Looking at this bizarre behavior now I realize that I was afraid of losing something, of something being out of my control. So I shredded almost all of the old cards that I had collected. I kept three that I am completely unable to dispose of. One is from my sister and it is a cross between a birthday card, a thank you card, and an (unwarranted) apology. I know that she wrote it on one of her worst days and I want to always have it to remind her how far she has come. It is a reminder to me of how very important a support system is. Another is a card from my mother- in which she promised to pay for my braces. I cashed that shit in for my shiny grill or a portion of them because she hadn’t accounted for inflation. The third card is one that is so very personal that I keep it hidden and locked up with such things as my life insurance policy documents and retirement paper work. I have held on to the card for over a decade now. Does that make me some kind of hoarder? Aside from those things most of the clutter is now gone. With removing the clutter I also removed a lot of the chaos surrounding it. This newly empty space has left ample room for a few new hobbies, adventures, and relationships that I was always afraid to have.

Part of paying attention is to notice what false beliefs we have about ourselves. 

They can be anything:

I am defective

I am unlovable

I will always be abandoned

I am alone

My body is defective or shameful

I am powerless

Although we may feel some aspects of each of these there is usually one that stands out the most. For me it was always I am defective. Years passed in which all of the other false beliefs played into my lack of self worth but I always felt as though my defectiveness was the root of my problems. What I have realized is that nobody is going to be my prince and rescue me. I have also realized that the walls I built to “protect myself” were really just an attempt to hide from human interaction so that nobody would see how defective I was. It is crazy to look at all of that now- I often wonder how I didn’t see it earlier or figure it out sooner. How can you push people away but expect someone to swoop in and save you? Why would you want to do either? Those years spent believing that I don’t need anyone and that I could do anything I needed to myself were essentially wasted. We all need relationships and a sense of belonging. But in order to genuinely belong you have to figure out who you are and what you want. This always scared the shit out of me. I eventually tried to disprove my own feelings of defectiveness. I did this by finding something that made me stable (school) and excelling at it. The problem was that I wasn’t actually defective. All along I tried to run away from it, hide it, overcome it, and conquer it. I faced it- and realized that it was fiction. I am not defective and any time that a bit of defectiveness tries to creep into my feelings I step back and give it the finger.

So I challenge you to answer the following question:

What beliefs about myself am I trying to prove or disprove?

The real question then is: are you crazy/dumb/open enough to write about it? I find it all rather embarrassing but seem to do it anyway.