"We sit in the mud... and reach for the stars"
-Ivan Turgenev
Summer growing up was always about skinned up knees,
popsicle stains on your t-shirt, dirt under your fingernails, sand and
sunscreen crusted in your hair, and getting to stay out extra late for a few
extra games of kick the can. My summer vacation starts today and I would love
nothing more than for these memories to make their way back into my every day.
So this summer instead of working all of my days and nights away I am going to
do just that- play. I am going to find that free spirited kid that has been
hiding and waiting for the dark times to subside. I am going to live in reality
and embrace my willingness to be unsure, uncomfortable, and unknowing so that
the road to freedom opens.
Einstein said
something about life and bicycles and keeping moving- well I will get moving as
soon as my new bike gets here. He also said something about relativity.
So if the theory of relativity states that all motion can be
measured only in relation to the observer who performs the measurement. Time
and position are all relative to the observer: hence the name of Einstein’s
relativity. So maybe what he actually meant is that we all have slightly
different realities and it might just stem from our individual perspectives. It’s
like that high school art class where the teacher puts some object in the
middle of the room and you all sit around in a circle and draw it from your
relative location. We each saw something slightly different. So if you want to
change your reality maybe you just need to get up and slide down a few spots to
get a completely different view. In my
case that is getting out and seeing things that I have always passed by from a
different angle. A park, an overpass, a winding trail in the woods, a crowded
block- all things that were so ordinary because I didn’t stop to take their
remarkable moments. So I pondered the idea of a road trip to get out of the
city and see something new but have instead decided that I will probably stay
right here and search out my own backyard adventures. If small town Maine could
offer what seemed like endless adventures as a child I am sure that I can find
the same kind of thrills right here in grown up Philadelphia. I am looking
forward to bug bites, heat rashes, and the way the lights reflect off the
Schuylkill at night. Bring on that wooder
ice Philly.
Telling the truth and reality go hand in hand. In order to
be present we have to accept our truths and notice where we are dishonest. Not
only the dishonesty with others but the dishonesty with ourselves. We deceive
ourselves and ignore what we are feeling and thinking. Deception is a bad habit
that I have partaken in for as long as I can remember- I tell people I am fine
when I am not, I say I don’t need help when I do, I occasionally dodge questions
that I don’t want to answer.
It was a running joke
with two close friends back home for years about what percentage of things I
was sharing with them. Notorious for my partial secret life! Maybe it was
because I thought that they would disapprove of the strange or self-destructive
things I was doing. Maybe it was because it just seemed to keep things a little
more interesting. Secretly dating someone for 5 months is something that I
would now consider a very odd behavior…. (So ladies I owe you a rock or two)
Not being truthful shows fear and a lack of inner awareness
(both of which I know all about). My solution to this is to work on speaking
honestly without gauging how others will react. I will do this for selfish
reasons and to improve my relationships with others. I want to be fully present
with those around me and for this to happen I have to share who I am without
exaggerating or diminishing anything. I have to admit who I am and what I want
without fear- truthfulness dispels fear and makes room for love.
Just the other day I
was unable to be fully present and open and I regretted it later. After
spending time with someone they asked if I wanted to hang out again. I said,
“Yes, I would like to hang again.” What I should have said (the whole truth) was
“I had a great time getting to know you. I want to know more. I’m eager to hear
what you think about things and what makes you tick.” Oh and, “The sooner, the
better!”
The whole truth, and
nothing but the truth, so help me God*
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