In Buddhism, paying attention is often referred to as
mindfulness. To be mindful is to notice the tension in your neck, sense of
uneasiness, or feelings of calm, and to pay attention to them and use them as
information. The problem with paying
attention for me is that I am easily distracted by anything. When the wind
blows my attention goes in that direction also.
A few months ago I was constantly feeling drained and
uneasy. I neglected to pay attention to these signals because my ego was in
control. By ego I mean the voice in my
head that told me that the outward appearance of happiness is much more
important than my inner peace. I was worried about appearances. My ego told
me that I am strong enough to handle the inner turmoil and that there is too
much at stake to just walk away. What my ego neglected to acknowledge was that
all of my attempts to silence my inner needs had not worked and that I had in
fact lost sight of who I was. The scientist inside finally realized that the
constant work required to maintain appearances of happiness and always trying
to make my significant other happy was draining me physically and emotionally.
I was unable to just be. I could not
relax enough to just see the world around me. I was missing all of the joyous
moments that were passing by.
I had been pulled off course. Buddhism commonly refers to
the Eight Worldly Winds and recognizing their pull is an important part of
being mindful.
Pleasure and pain,
Gain and loss,
Praise and blame,
Fame and shame.
These influences are paired together because they often
occur together that way. When we are in constant search of one we often become
overwhelmed by its counterpart. When we are in constant search of gain (e.g.
financial gain) we sacrifice time, relationships, hobbies, sleep, and
nourishment. While we may gain increased financial security by picking up that
extra shift at work we lose our free time- and the free time to enjoy life’s
moments is why we work so hard to begin with. I have always been the one to
pick up the extra shift; to work at the expense of sleep, time with family and
friends, just that needed day to decompress. Recently I worked for more than a
month straight without a day off. This left me feeling completely drained and
sick. I justified all of the work because of my trips home in the future and
the financial stresses that came with my recent mistake. Moving twice in less
than two weeks left me utterly broke. I was empty of energy and my bank
accounts were empty of funds. These last five days have included some
commitments but none have been commitments that were stressful or unwanted. I
have enjoyed my free time to catch up with friends, celebrate important
milestones, laugh with the most important child in my life, breathe in the
fresh air with Loki, and just be.
Paying attention requires being an observer. It is almost as
though I had to step out of my body to observe how I typically react to
situations. I noticed how my autopilot might have been interfering with my
ability to be in the moment. When confronted by a coworker in front of the
students I began to react with my typical response to confrontation- by getting
upset and defensive. In that moment (which just happened to be on an awful day)
I stepped back just long enough for him to blow off steam and for me to
formulate a response. In that minute I was able to decipher out what it was
that was at the core of his blow up. I addressed his issues and walked away. I
would be lying if I said that I wasn’t upset for a while following the entire
situation but I felt as though I had handled it as best I could by not yelling
back at him for being out of line. Walking away had given me the upper hand. I
had not crossed any lines and had calmly explained the situation to him and directed
him to speak with my boss if he felt my explanation was unsatisfactory. I don’t respond well to being yelled at or
belittled in front of others and this was the first time that I can remember
remaining calm in years. By taking the time to observe how the tone of my
voice and body language was changing at the start of the confrontation I was
able to change it and remain in control of my reaction. I didn’t back down or
apologize for something that wasn’t wrong. Recently I have noticed how often I
become distracted and have been able to real my racing thoughts in just by
noticing that they are starting to rev their engines. So here I am today- awake
and aware of how my actions and reactions affect me. So far this journey of
waking up has been difficult but amusing also.
Slowly clearing out the racing thoughts and chaos has made
room for more life. I have often been that girl that needed back ground noise-
the television, radio, or noise outside the window. I spend most of my time
“multitasking” but never actually getting anything done. Listening to music
doesn’t actually help me write is that I realized when I turned the music off.
Sitting in silence and listening to all of the voices and thoughts in my head
has allowed me to be more productive. At work the white noise of the heater
(that doesn’t actually produce any heat) is just enough noise to kill the
complete silence but allow me to think more clearly. I have always studied for
school in loud places- working in a bar forced my hand in this one- and felt as
though it benefited me. As I have gotten older I realized that this is no
longer the case for me. When I first went back to school I was totally focused
on school, doing well was the only thing that I was concerned with. School came
before EVERYTHING else. When my face was totally infected and swollen and I had
been hit up with some heavy IV antibiotics at the hospital I still found my way
into school to take an exam. In the recent years I have been unable to focus
for more than a few minutes on anything. As I sit here writing this (very long
may I add) blog entry I have gotten up to pee twice, refilled my coffee three
times, turned the tv on and then off a couple of times, changed the laundry
over, and sump pumped the basement. What I find most ironic about this is that
writing has always helped me relax. This looking into myself and inspecting and
feeling is not relaxing. It is in fact a lot of work. So here I am on vacation
doing work son.
The second part of
step three involves looking at the image of yourself that you have created and
I have to clear out a little more chaos before I am really ready to break
myself apart and then write about it. That and the fresh air is calling me out
of the house….
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