The Paradox

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone- but paradoxically, if we can not trust, neither can we find love or joy.”

–Walter Anderson

I have always had a difficult time trusting in others. For a long time I believed that everyone I loved would leave me because I was unworthy of their love. I would convince myself that I did not have feelings for a person just to protect myself from the potential hurt. This left me surrounded by many people, but feeling utterly alone. I am shy and reserved; I am an introvert by nature. After years of feeling as though I was incapable of love I tried something different.

On this particular Tuesday morning I woke up, brushed my teeth, and found myself having a conversation with myself in the bathroom mirror. If Margaret had been home I am sure that she would have thought it was time to commit me. I finished the conversation with myself and it was from that moment on that I have known that I was worthy of all of the love that the world had to offer me. I skipped class that morning to write some stuff down about myself that I had never really faced before. I admitted that my occasional abrasiveness was nothing more than a self-defense mechanism to keep people at a distance. I did note that my sarcasm and wit was worth keeping as long as I made as many jokes about myself as I did about others. I thumbed through photos of my trip to the Dominican and was reminded that things are never as bad as they seem. I have running water, a car (with a broken window-thanks dad), food available to me when I am hungry, a relatively healthy family, and a great group of friends. I still remember how fortunate I am by thinking about the village way up in the mountains and how I cried like a baby when the town mayor hugged me. Since that Tuesday I have tried, although not always successfully, to let my vulnerabilities show. I still hate crying, especially in public.

Shortly after that day I met someone who changed my everything. I warned him not to fall in love with me because I had other plans for life and wouldn’t be sticking around. I had never felt for anyone the way I felt for him. With him things were easy. There was always a laugh at the end of the day or a lap to fall asleep in while balled up on the couch. I ultimately gave up my dreams for him and it didn’t work out. This left me scrambling for a back up plan and right in the middle of some of the loneliest months of my life. It is because of this experience that I ended up in Philadelphia on a last minute decision. Perfect timing- an escape plan that involved moving forward with life in a city where our paths would never have to cross and standing plans for catching up when I made it home.

The first seven months here were a bit strange. I often felt lost and completely alone in a big city that I hated. I was still bruised from hurt that I left behind in Maine. Although I tried hard to remain open and trusting it was more difficult because of that strange hole that was left inside. I found my way, found little places that I loved, and found people who I love dearly now. As Grad school started to wind down something happened- I found a love for Philly that made me want to stay. I wasn’t ready to call it quits on the city life. It is when you least expect it that you meet someone who changes everything for you.

That happened for me 350 days ago. I was enamored by the laughs, the awkward silences, the mysterious looks across the table, the never ending hunt for excellent burgers, the kisses on the forehead, and the way our hands felt tangled together while walking down the street. Although things didn’t always seem to be smooth I didn’t mind the occasional sanding with a 220-C grit. In this person I though that I had found what I was looking for.

What sucks the most is that things went badly in the one way that I hoped they never would. Some things you cannot forgive, and you can’t hide them even though you try. And no matter how hard you try you can’t erase that memory. You can’t get that look in their eye out of your mind. You hope and you believe that they are not a monster; that they didn’t really do things just to be hurtful and spiteful. You know deep down that they lost control, and that control is what they thrive on. You know that your love for them doesn’t just stop or go away. You lie to yourself in an attempt to make yourself believe that he is a good man and is worthy of love and trust, but you know that you would never be able to trust him again.

 But you still love him.


It hurts.
It hurts all the damn time.