A lesson in human kindness

"when you forgive, you in no way change the past- but you sure do change the future." - Bernard Meltzer

Forgiving someone else is easy, or at least it always has been for me. What I've been working on is forgiving myself and learning to love myself. I can not go back in time and change my actions or my words. It is human to make mistakes, recognizing our mistakes and accepting our responsibility in those mistakes is what is important. We all deserve forgiveness but the only forgiveness that matters is forgiving yourself. You are stuck repeating the same self destructive and hurtful patterns until you can love yourself enough to forgive yourself.

I am an onion (not saying I smell bad here). I'm peeling off the layers of crap that have accumulated over the years. Some of these layers you can peel away on your own, others you are only able to peel away through connections with other people. I've found myself connecting with a wide variety of people with my only intention being to learn something about myself through the interaction. I've made new friends, both male and female, who have very different perspectives on life and I have enjoyed learning how and why they have those very outlooks. It is easy to sit back and judge someone from the outside- but we don't learn anything from that. Appearances aren't everything, let alone anything at all sometimes. It is the reflection of yourself that you see in that person that counts. So I pulled off a few layers last night and I am thankful for the chance to do so (not calling you crap here, just the hurt from everything was crap).

So here it is- I dare you to love yourself. Not the superficial faux self-esteem kind of love. The kind of love where you know that you are worth anybody and everybody's affection but you are completely content being your own best friend. I know that I'm still working on it...

Stepping into it

Honesty with myself is something that I have been working on. I spent years dodging my inner truths for fear of what I might find in there. The thing is I have actually really enjoyed getting to know myself at 30. This year may just go on record as my personal worst, which says quite a bit if it surpasses 19 and 20. What has stood out most to me in the past few months is how badly I had lost myself. I flipped through old photos and struggled to recognize myself in some of them.

I have learned that it is okay to not worry about perfection: I don't need the perfect body, the perfect hair, the perfect outfit, the perfectly clean house, or the perfect life in the suburbs with the perfect husband and 2.3 kids. I have realized that I would rather be perfectly happy with what I do have than strive to meet someone else's ideal perfect. Yesterday I looked in the mirror and realized that my eyes were bright green and sparkling. It's been a long time since that had stood out to me more than my crooked nose and braced teeth (which I absolutely love). It had been a long time since someone had told me I was pretty and I believed them- so hearing it Saturday night and believing it was a very strange feeling for me.

A few months back something happened that rocked me to my core. It caused me to live in fear- fear of crossing paths, hearing a familiar voice, walking to my car alone scared me. I started avoiding all familiar places to avoid any possible chance of anything happening. When our paths did cross those few times I was struck by fear and panic; often having to run to the bathroom to throw up and try to catch my breath. A few weeks ago I decided that I would no longer live with this fear. I can not and will not live like that. I promised a friend that I would attend his birthday celebration only to find out that it is at the one place I despise in the city (who wants to drink with cockroaches on the bar). After spending the last week contemplating if I should go or not I have decided that it is finally time to face my fear of crossing paths. So tonight I will step outside of my safe zone to celebrate with friends and wake up tomorrow knowing that I am not paralyzed by fear.

Facing my fears and imperfections has helped me to be more honest with myself. Imperfection schimperfection!

When the laughter comes back

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.
-Joan Lunden

Mmmm. Late night date night.

New secret spots and fond memories.

Boom.... Truth

I'll combine a few priceless quotes:

"I hope you have cancer and die so I get some closure you dumb fucking cunt."

Step Four: Live in Reality, Listen to Your Truths

"We sit in the mud... and reach for the stars"

-Ivan Turgenev

Summer growing up was always about skinned up knees, popsicle stains on your t-shirt, dirt under your fingernails, sand and sunscreen crusted in your hair, and getting to stay out extra late for a few extra games of kick the can. My summer vacation starts today and I would love nothing more than for these memories to make their way back into my every day. So this summer instead of working all of my days and nights away I am going to do just that- play. I am going to find that free spirited kid that has been hiding and waiting for the dark times to subside. I am going to live in reality and embrace my willingness to be unsure, uncomfortable, and unknowing so that the road to freedom opens.

Einstein said something about life and bicycles and keeping moving- well I will get moving as soon as my new bike gets here. He also said something about relativity.

So if the theory of relativity states that all motion can be measured only in relation to the observer who performs the measurement. Time and position are all relative to the observer: hence the name of Einstein’s relativity. So maybe what he actually meant is that we all have slightly different realities and it might just stem from our individual perspectives. It’s like that high school art class where the teacher puts some object in the middle of the room and you all sit around in a circle and draw it from your relative location. We each saw something slightly different. So if you want to change your reality maybe you just need to get up and slide down a few spots to get a completely different view. In my case that is getting out and seeing things that I have always passed by from a different angle. A park, an overpass, a winding trail in the woods, a crowded block- all things that were so ordinary because I didn’t stop to take their remarkable moments. So I pondered the idea of a road trip to get out of the city and see something new but have instead decided that I will probably stay right here and search out my own backyard adventures. If small town Maine could offer what seemed like endless adventures as a child I am sure that I can find the same kind of thrills right here in grown up Philadelphia. I am looking forward to bug bites, heat rashes, and the way the lights reflect off the Schuylkill at night. Bring on that wooder ice Philly.

Telling the truth and reality go hand in hand. In order to be present we have to accept our truths and notice where we are dishonest. Not only the dishonesty with others but the dishonesty with ourselves. We deceive ourselves and ignore what we are feeling and thinking. Deception is a bad habit that I have partaken in for as long as I can remember- I tell people I am fine when I am not, I say I don’t need help when I do, I occasionally dodge questions that I don’t want to answer.

It was a running joke with two close friends back home for years about what percentage of things I was sharing with them. Notorious for my partial secret life! Maybe it was because I thought that they would disapprove of the strange or self-destructive things I was doing. Maybe it was because it just seemed to keep things a little more interesting. Secretly dating someone for 5 months is something that I would now consider a very odd behavior…. (So ladies I owe you a rock or two)

Not being truthful shows fear and a lack of inner awareness (both of which I know all about). My solution to this is to work on speaking honestly without gauging how others will react. I will do this for selfish reasons and to improve my relationships with others. I want to be fully present with those around me and for this to happen I have to share who I am without exaggerating or diminishing anything. I have to admit who I am and what I want without fear- truthfulness dispels fear and makes room for love.

Just the other day I was unable to be fully present and open and I regretted it later. After spending time with someone they asked if I wanted to hang out again. I said, “Yes, I would like to hang again.” What I should have said (the whole truth) was “I had a great time getting to know you. I want to know more. I’m eager to hear what you think about things and what makes you tick.” Oh and, “The sooner, the better!”

The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God*

Step Three: Pay Attention (Part Two)

The Dalai Lama observed that people in the Unites States, the land of power and “stuff”, are the unhappiest people in the world.

I use to have a lot of sentimental stuff. It seemingly found its way to the dump (although I would give almost anything to have a couple of those things back) and I haven’t really missed it. I know that down the road I will wish that I had some of those things- family photos, my great grandmother’s plates, some of the baseball cards that I cherished as a child- primarily those things that can’t be replaced. The crazy part for me is that I don’t need those items to be happy or complete. I have the memories attached to those items locked safely away in my brain and that can’t be destroyed, barring some crazy accident. Now that that clutter has been destroyed for me I have more space to focus on what is important- today.

I have also cleared out the clutter that involves people and commitments that I am not interested in. They aren’t really worth writing about but it was quite freeing.

The thing about clutter for me is that I was always afraid that if I got rid of something that it would mean that I was getting rid of the memory or association that I had attached to that item. I was given many things and always lugged them around out of respect or love for the person who gave it to me. I always kept old cards so that if something were ever to happen to the person who sent it I would have that one last memory of them, even if it were only what their handwriting looked like. Looking at this bizarre behavior now I realize that I was afraid of losing something, of something being out of my control. So I shredded almost all of the old cards that I had collected. I kept three that I am completely unable to dispose of. One is from my sister and it is a cross between a birthday card, a thank you card, and an (unwarranted) apology. I know that she wrote it on one of her worst days and I want to always have it to remind her how far she has come. It is a reminder to me of how very important a support system is. Another is a card from my mother- in which she promised to pay for my braces. I cashed that shit in for my shiny grill or a portion of them because she hadn’t accounted for inflation. The third card is one that is so very personal that I keep it hidden and locked up with such things as my life insurance policy documents and retirement paper work. I have held on to the card for over a decade now. Does that make me some kind of hoarder? Aside from those things most of the clutter is now gone. With removing the clutter I also removed a lot of the chaos surrounding it. This newly empty space has left ample room for a few new hobbies, adventures, and relationships that I was always afraid to have.

Part of paying attention is to notice what false beliefs we have about ourselves. 

They can be anything:

I am defective

I am unlovable

I will always be abandoned

I am alone

My body is defective or shameful

I am powerless

Although we may feel some aspects of each of these there is usually one that stands out the most. For me it was always I am defective. Years passed in which all of the other false beliefs played into my lack of self worth but I always felt as though my defectiveness was the root of my problems. What I have realized is that nobody is going to be my prince and rescue me. I have also realized that the walls I built to “protect myself” were really just an attempt to hide from human interaction so that nobody would see how defective I was. It is crazy to look at all of that now- I often wonder how I didn’t see it earlier or figure it out sooner. How can you push people away but expect someone to swoop in and save you? Why would you want to do either? Those years spent believing that I don’t need anyone and that I could do anything I needed to myself were essentially wasted. We all need relationships and a sense of belonging. But in order to genuinely belong you have to figure out who you are and what you want. This always scared the shit out of me. I eventually tried to disprove my own feelings of defectiveness. I did this by finding something that made me stable (school) and excelling at it. The problem was that I wasn’t actually defective. All along I tried to run away from it, hide it, overcome it, and conquer it. I faced it- and realized that it was fiction. I am not defective and any time that a bit of defectiveness tries to creep into my feelings I step back and give it the finger.

So I challenge you to answer the following question:

What beliefs about myself am I trying to prove or disprove?

The real question then is: are you crazy/dumb/open enough to write about it? I find it all rather embarrassing but seem to do it anyway.

Step Three: Pay Attention (Part One)

In Buddhism, paying attention is often referred to as mindfulness. To be mindful is to notice the tension in your neck, sense of uneasiness, or feelings of calm, and to pay attention to them and use them as information. The problem with paying attention for me is that I am easily distracted by anything. When the wind blows my attention goes in that direction also.

A few months ago I was constantly feeling drained and uneasy. I neglected to pay attention to these signals because my ego was in control. By ego I mean the voice in my head that told me that the outward appearance of happiness is much more important than my inner peace. I was worried about appearances. My ego told me that I am strong enough to handle the inner turmoil and that there is too much at stake to just walk away. What my ego neglected to acknowledge was that all of my attempts to silence my inner needs had not worked and that I had in fact lost sight of who I was. The scientist inside finally realized that the constant work required to maintain appearances of happiness and always trying to make my significant other happy was draining me physically and emotionally. I was unable to just be. I could not relax enough to just see the world around me. I was missing all of the joyous moments that were passing by.

I had been pulled off course. Buddhism commonly refers to the Eight Worldly Winds and recognizing their pull is an important part of being mindful.

Pleasure and pain,

Gain and loss,

Praise and blame,

Fame and shame.

These influences are paired together because they often occur together that way. When we are in constant search of one we often become overwhelmed by its counterpart. When we are in constant search of gain (e.g. financial gain) we sacrifice time, relationships, hobbies, sleep, and nourishment. While we may gain increased financial security by picking up that extra shift at work we lose our free time- and the free time to enjoy life’s moments is why we work so hard to begin with. I have always been the one to pick up the extra shift; to work at the expense of sleep, time with family and friends, just that needed day to decompress. Recently I worked for more than a month straight without a day off. This left me feeling completely drained and sick. I justified all of the work because of my trips home in the future and the financial stresses that came with my recent mistake. Moving twice in less than two weeks left me utterly broke. I was empty of energy and my bank accounts were empty of funds. These last five days have included some commitments but none have been commitments that were stressful or unwanted. I have enjoyed my free time to catch up with friends, celebrate important milestones, laugh with the most important child in my life, breathe in the fresh air with Loki, and just be.

Paying attention requires being an observer. It is almost as though I had to step out of my body to observe how I typically react to situations. I noticed how my autopilot might have been interfering with my ability to be in the moment. When confronted by a coworker in front of the students I began to react with my typical response to confrontation- by getting upset and defensive. In that moment (which just happened to be on an awful day) I stepped back just long enough for him to blow off steam and for me to formulate a response. In that minute I was able to decipher out what it was that was at the core of his blow up. I addressed his issues and walked away. I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t upset for a while following the entire situation but I felt as though I had handled it as best I could by not yelling back at him for being out of line. Walking away had given me the upper hand. I had not crossed any lines and had calmly explained the situation to him and directed him to speak with my boss if he felt my explanation was unsatisfactory. I don’t respond well to being yelled at or belittled in front of others and this was the first time that I can remember remaining calm in years. By taking the time to observe how the tone of my voice and body language was changing at the start of the confrontation I was able to change it and remain in control of my reaction. I didn’t back down or apologize for something that wasn’t wrong. Recently I have noticed how often I become distracted and have been able to real my racing thoughts in just by noticing that they are starting to rev their engines. So here I am today- awake and aware of how my actions and reactions affect me. So far this journey of waking up has been difficult but amusing also.

Slowly clearing out the racing thoughts and chaos has made room for more life. I have often been that girl that needed back ground noise- the television, radio, or noise outside the window. I spend most of my time “multitasking” but never actually getting anything done. Listening to music doesn’t actually help me write is that I realized when I turned the music off. Sitting in silence and listening to all of the voices and thoughts in my head has allowed me to be more productive. At work the white noise of the heater (that doesn’t actually produce any heat) is just enough noise to kill the complete silence but allow me to think more clearly. I have always studied for school in loud places- working in a bar forced my hand in this one- and felt as though it benefited me. As I have gotten older I realized that this is no longer the case for me. When I first went back to school I was totally focused on school, doing well was the only thing that I was concerned with. School came before EVERYTHING else. When my face was totally infected and swollen and I had been hit up with some heavy IV antibiotics at the hospital I still found my way into school to take an exam. In the recent years I have been unable to focus for more than a few minutes on anything. As I sit here writing this (very long may I add) blog entry I have gotten up to pee twice, refilled my coffee three times, turned the tv on and then off a couple of times, changed the laundry over, and sump pumped the basement. What I find most ironic about this is that writing has always helped me relax. This looking into myself and inspecting and feeling is not relaxing. It is in fact a lot of work. So here I am on vacation doing work son.

The second part of step three involves looking at the image of yourself that you have created and I have to clear out a little more chaos before I am really ready to break myself apart and then write about it. That and the fresh air is calling me out of the house….

Kat the Yogi

Tonight I went to Yoga. In my head Yoga has never equaled relaxation. I can breathe my way through a lot of things but breathing through a posture that feels completely unnatural to me is not something I would consider myself good at. Last night I fought my way through child’s pose (the rest posture in Yoga) and as I stayed there with my forehead and nose smashed into the mat I listened. I listened to the sound of the instructor’s voice, the sound of other’s breath, the thoughts racing in my head, the story of the clouds blocking out our joy, and finally my own breath. Although I couldn’t quite make the ocean noise with my tongue pressed to the roof of my mouth I could feel the in and out of the waves. I got lost in the waves and the clearing of my thoughts. All of the racing thoughts raced their way right out of my toes and fingertips. The water droplet that hit the mat during downward facing dog- it wasn’t sweat; it was the tear that you needed to shed in that exact moment.

I felt grounded. Home. Relaxed and energized. Proud.

Reflecting on tonight’s work I feel privileged. There is something so amazing that comes from watching your friend do something that she has found herself in. You are aware of the sacrifices she made to get there, the joy she finds when firmly grounded in her own mat. There is not another voice in the world I would want to guide me through a Vinyasa.

You weren’t aware of the nervousness in her voice. To you she is fierce, strong, and loyal. I am privileged to be a part of her second class. Privileged to know such a great woman.

Deepak says

“Once war becomes a clash of absolutes, there is no breathing room for mercy. Absolute truth is blind truth.”

-Deepak Chopra

Step Two: Show Up

“Showing up is meeting life with fascination and curiosity rather than fear, worry, and foreboding. And if there is fear, you can show up anyhow.”

Showing up can be anything from saying hi to a stranger, dragging yourself out of bed on a bad day, signing up for a class, getting counseling, or going for a walk and taking everything in.

During the last week I have been showing up and noticing how things feel. Showing up for a 6:00 AM workout left me exhausted yet energized for the day. I have never liked being the new kid or in the worst shape but I have gotten over that fear and managed to show up and enjoy the fight. It was my curiosity that got the best of me when the workout was 55 pull-ups and 55 handstand push-ups. Of course I had to modify it, which entailed an additional 55 sit-ups. Needless to say showing up paid off. And breakfast after wasn’t too shabby either. Showing up has left me with a feeling of vitality and flow. All of the past week’s experiences have offered an opportunity to see something new and enjoy the newness of things. There is a joy that comes with flowing through experiences and being willing to put yourself out there.

Today on the other hand was a different story:

Showing up for me today has been going to work. It took a little bit more effort than I would like to admit. This morning I felt violated. I got angry, I cried out of anger (the wrong reaction, I know), I let the anger out in a healthy way, and then I moved on. I moved on by standing up for myself. This violation is not something that I am going to let just pass- I will not be victimized any longer. So here I am at work, still a little uneasy, but here nonetheless. I am disappointed with the actions of another individual. I cannot change their actions but I can control how their actions affect my emotional state. I should have learned already that this individual will not change and I must change in response. I will sit with the disappointment and feel it then I will let the disappointment go (like so many times before). What I learned in step one was to notice what left me feeling stuck. This morning I felt it and recognized it right away. So if today brings nothing else it has given me my very first experience with the ability to notice what hurt and to recognize how I felt. I felt debilitated. I no longer feel that way.

By showing up today exactly the way I am I have created self-acceptance.

A girl loves her coffee

And I love it even more when the dude at Starbucks comps it just because. Thanks for the best mocha coconut frappuccino I've ever had Dave!

Step One: Feel your longing, notice where you are stuck

“Becoming unstuck is about moving from constriction and frustration to flow, vitality, and ease. It’s about an internal stability that allows you to experience calm amid the storm.”

I hide and ignore my core feelings and emotions. For a long time I thought that this helped me to have control over my life. What I have come to realize is that by keeping everything trapped inside I have been walking around like a volcano waiting to erupt. I cry out of anger and get frustrated at my sadness. I have often wondered why my reactions to my feelings are so backwards. I am stuck because I have never allowed myself to feel and to sit with the feelings until I come to terms with them. During the last week I have allowed myself to feel, to really feel, what is going on inside. When I get frustrated I sit with it until my heart stops racing and that burning in my stomach subsides. Just over a week ago I had to face an over whelming surge of emotions in a situation that I couldn’t control. My heart raced, my stomach did flips, my face lost all color until the built up anger turned it red. I don’t think that I would react the same way today as I did then. I sat on the edges of those feelings that day and let myself process them until there wasn’t anything left to digest.

From what I have read the difference between stuck and unstuck is simple. Everyone meets adversity in life- there are different types of adversity but it is in how we handle it that determines how stuck we allow ourselves to be. What seems like a wall to some is only a bump in the road to others. The difference seems to lie in the ability to go with the flow, ask for help, and cooperate with those people around them. I asked for help recently- the simple act of asking released some tension and the overwhelming response to my request lifted my spirits and helped me step over the bump in front of me. There is no shame is asking for help. The strongest of people ask for help and know that there is no shame in doing so.

I have personality traits that seem to keep me stuck.

1.     I tend to keep life chaotic

2.     I have an inability to calm or sooth myself in a healthy way

3.     I lack an adequate concept of self-care and setting limits

4.     I repeat the same behavior and hope that the outcome will be different.

I have personality traits that will help me get unstuck.

1.     I am able to give and receive support from friends and family

2.     I do not attach my identity or ego to success or failure

3.     I possess a sense of humor and a light heartedness

Painful experiences are not a life sentence. We have all suffered from a trauma of some sort at some point in our lives. What is one step that I can take today that will help me get unstuck? I will resist the negative talk inside my head. I will focus on what I’m doing to take care of myself and take time to have fun with others. When I am with others I will not dwell or discuss the negative situations or sticking points in my life. Life is painful or difficult because of our attachments to things. I am attached to not feeling. I have “protected” myself in the past by removing my emotions thus erasing my humanness, which left me feeling empty. I am cutting the cord with the emotionless me. I am feeling things as they happen. I am living and flowing. Oh, and having fun too.

A Fresh Look

"Change in all things is sweet. "
-Aristotle

Right after moving I was searching the new local thrift store for some furniture and other bric-brac items to decorate with and lift my spirit. I found this night stand or end table and it reminded me of an old piece of furniture that my mother would have had in our living room in Maine. I went out on a limb and spent $35 for it with the hopes of breathing some fresh life into it and changing it into a colorful accent piece that would life my spirits. 

The finished look

A few hours were spent looking for the right color paint that would give the stand a new feel but keep the vintage feel- Vintage Suitcase- perfect! I opted for a flat paint with a satin finish poly spray. So after a few hours and a sheet of sandpaper I was ready to go. I had forgotten how much of a pain in the ass it is to get oil based primer off your skin and out of your hair. I won't soon forget. Two coats of paint and one coat of poly later.... FINISHED! I now have a small piece of furniture that I can look at an know is exactly what I wanted, and I fixed it myself.


Sometimes maybe us codependent individuals should stick to fixing furniture instead of trying trying to change or fix the one we love.